Edit: After 30 days.

I did it! 30 days of sit-ups, push-ups and squats each and every day without fail. Even on the busiest of days I managed to somehow fit it in, and some days were pretty crazy. It feels good to have committed to and accomplished something like this. I think it’s compounded my belief that I can commit to anything I put my mind towards. I’m glad I stuck to it. I’m not sure if I feel the difference or if I look different but my knees hurt so there’s that 🥲 oh and I have abs of steel now, obviously 😅.

It was good to have something to focus on each day, but it did become a bit boring so I’m also glad it’s over and I can look to the next … challenge?? 😬

##################

I’ve seen fitness activities advertised like ‘do 100 sit-ups a day in April to raise money for charity’ or ‘do 100 push-ups’ or ‘do 100 squats’. I’ve never really committed to anything like this before so I thought why not try now, and make it extra challenging by doing all 3 things; 100 sit-ups, push-ups and squats each day for 30 days 😬. I’m calling it the 100 Triple. I’m sure something like this will exist already, this is my take on it.

This may be a physically terrible idea 🥲 or…. I could become a super human athlete by the end. I think I know which of those will be the outcome 😉

Motivation for this is mainly I want to do it for myself, commit to something fitness related and accomplish it. I exercise most days but I feel this would be a bigger challenge and something to put my mind towards. I’d also donate to some good causes when I finish it, so that’s extra motivation to do it. Plus, I designed this stuff so I can’t allow that to go to waste and back out now 😬

RIP to future Matt’s legs, abs and arms.

(not an April fools joke)

This incredibly long wall of garbled nonsense has been difficult to write. I’ve thought hard about whether I should write this, whether I would gain anything from it mentally or if it would just be unearthing old wounds. I’m hoping it will do me good to talk about the past 3 years, the whole journey so I can try and move forward. Maybe it’s a mistake 🧐

I met a gem of a person and that story has seemingly come to a close. I’ve always found it hard not to dwell on things.

It’s actually 3 years ago today when we first started talking, I guess that’s kind of poetic. 

I want to make it clear that I have no hard feelings towards them, I don’t hate them or have ever felt any anger towards them. We haven’t talked in a while. I truly hope she is doing well.

This is a timeline of events followed by some additional thoughts.

2021

I guess the place to begin is right at the start. I met a girl in January 2021, we were just coming out of lockdown, things were still very much COVID, but some restrictions were lifting. I met them on an app, they were from South America and at the time I probably didn’t think anything would come of it. But we talked quite a lot and it felt really nice, and real. We got on well, we were genuinely interested in learning about each other, talking about our interests. We arranged some e-movie dates. A lot of times on dating apps the conversations are very dry and one sided, so this was a refreshing change. She was incredibly beautiful, smart and genuine.

I think we were talking for a few weeks and then she stopped. It was still early days so I didn’t think much of it, it happens on these apps, people talk and then go without warning. However, a little later in the year (May) I popped up again to see if she wanted to reconnect again, and she did. I’m not sure what happened to her during that time, maybe she was with someone else or had some personal things going on. It wasn’t my business to ask.

She remembered my birthday :’) and we spent it together as best we could. I think we watched a film and maybe FaceTimed (?) I loved video calling with her. It was always a highlight of my day.

For a good number of months we felt good. There were times when she would go quiet and miss our plans but when we called or FaceTimed any worries went away and we felt great together, albeit thousands of miles apart.

In November 2021 there was a period of time where she was really quiet. I would message and not get a reply. I didn’t want to keep sending her messages in case she was going through stuff that I was unaware of, and I also didn’t want to bug her. I remember sending her a message in December to the gist of ‘Should I take this as a hint’. And I felt so bad when she replied saying she was sick, it’s not a hint but she needs time to heal and asked me not to put pressure on her. I thought I had ruined things. Looking back I think I was right to express my feelings then.

We talked more in December, she messaged me on Christmas day and it brightened up the whole festive period 🙂 She shared that lately she wasn’t feeling very happy but was thankful for me being around. She was also scared I would end up hating her. I made her a Stitch inspired Christmas/Birthday card (it was the first movie we watched together) 🥲 We felt good again.

SUMMARY 2021
I met a genuinely lovely person. We made each other happy, shared conversations and good times. She enjoyed my company, my humour, the fact I cared a lot about people. There were times I feared I was bugging her because I would keep trying to schedule times to call/video chat that she would miss. Stuff would come up for her, and I believed they were genuine, but things kept derailing our plans. I hope I came across as an understanding person. I didn’t know exactly what was going on in her life, I knew she was struggling and I did my best to be a rock she could trust and rely on. I wanted to be there. I kept fighting because I thought we could become something great and she wanted it to. I was hopeful we could find a way.

2022

January 2022
The new year started positively. We were talking and trying to schedule dates. She was still partially sick so had lots of doctors appointments but we felt pretty good. I tried my best to help her through a tough time, I’m not sure how well I was doing (?)

She said she liked me more than chocolate! (Biggest compliment ever 🥲 )

(I’m not sure what it says about me that I remember all of these little things and dates in history.)

She got a job that was starting later that month. I remember feeling sad at that moment because we were struggling to find time to talk with everything she had going on, and then she was starting a job so it felt we would talk even less, but she wanted it to work. In hindsight, maybe that extra work pressure was the start of the end of us?

I remember she sent me a voice note where she talked about her new job, apologised for missing our plans (she was sick and exhausted) and also talked about how she self sabotages. It’s the first time she talked about this stuff to me. I felt at the time like I showed understanding and empathy and I wasn’t mad at her. I wanted to keep talking with her.

I think that may have been the start of becoming more distant and I went into an overdrive mode to fight for her, I felt like she was pulling away (maybe due to work and life stress, self sabotage etc) so I sent her a bunch of messages over a week or so. I wanted her to know I would continue to fight because I felt like there is something to fight for. She had moved cities for work so things were likely daunting for her so I did everything I could to try and cheer her up. I think I designed her some cute things.

I don’t think she believed that she deserved someone to care so much about her, so was finding it hard. And maybe that’s where the self sabotage issue comes into it. She didn’t believe in herself so would pull away?

When she replied (mid February) she said she likes me, but she’s working on being ok and wanted us to take baby steps. She wanted us to work. It felt good again, I was happy, like the effort I put in worked, and she realised why I wanted to be with her and felt we could become something. We talked over the next days/weeks… but then she went quiet again mid-February. I sent her a Valentines day design thing, voice notes and messages, but didn’t get a reply. She would post things on WhatsApp status but not reply to me which I didn’t understand. She was blocking me out.

And later on she would tell me she couldn’t handle the distance, she couldn’t be present online and she needed someone with a physical presence in her life. It wasn’t fair on me to keep me hanging around. We talked and I told her I wanted to stay because I felt we could be great together. If we both wanted something then let’s fight. We can make it work. I wasn’t going to give up on her.

Her: ’As long as you don’t, I won’t’

And so we decided to keep trying and I was happy.

The following month was a bit of a battle. She still felt she wasn’t good for me, but we were never able to have a real chat and discuss anything about ‘us’ during that time. And I feel like that was a big problem.

She sent me a voice note in March explaining that she overthinks a lot and she doesn’t want to be hurt and she’s scared she was going to mess things up because she’s not good enough and not worth it. She likes me and goes silent because she gets overwhelmed that she might hurt me.  She said she hasn’t found anyone else (this actually always played on my mind, the distance heightened it).

I don’t think I understood until that point why she would go silent.

I replied as I always did, saying I’m still going to fight for her and move at whatever pace she wanted to.

February – May
The next few months I think were really good, some ups and downs but felt good overall. I remember spending hours and hours designing an interview document with my dog, where he would ‘ask’ me questions relating to her, like ‘Why do I like her so much?’. She loved it, despite it being cringey xD That was my kind of humour that I thought she liked. I loved designing her stuff, it’s something I could do from a distant to show her my commitment and care for her.

She hated the distance. And that is one of the reasons I wanted to FT her, so we could discuss me visiting. We never sat down together to discuss me visiting her, I REALLY wish we did because I would have visited but the random patches of silence made it hard to say ‘I’m visiting you in X months’. Maybe if I said that and planned a visit during this time it would have made her believe? I should have, that’s the single biggest thing I regret. But from my point of view those quiet patches meant I didn’t know where I stood with her, whether we were really an ‘us’ or not. It clouded my thinking.

May 2022
I sent her flowers because she was sick with Covid. I remember this in particular because it’s the first and only time she ever called me by my un-shortened name. It made me feel so happy. I loved being able to do things which made her happy.

June 2022
She graduated and I watched her on video and it was so heartwarming, I felt proud. I got her a graduation gift which was pretty random. It was a stuffed toy inside of a disguise which was super cute. She loved it. And it was the start of a ‘Support group’ I imagined that could be something to hold when she is feeling sad and be a reminder of me – I was always there for support. This group would expand over time and I think she genuinely liked them.

July 2022
Things came to a bit of an abrupt end in July. We had a late night call and she said she was struggling. She said she wasn’t in a position mentally and emotionally with herself to be able to be in a relationship with anyone… I did not realise this was her saying ‘It’s over’. However, as it turned out she meant she didn’t want to be with me because of the distance.

Later in the year (November) we talked and I realised she was grieving us whilst we were ‘together’. Learning that hurt, A LOT. I felt bad that she couldn’t talk to me about such things. I tried to lay a foundation of openness, understanding and made it easy for her to share what’s on her mind so that was hard to take. She couldn’t see an end to the distance but we never sat down and discussed it. I was willing to visit and move to her and I really wish I pushed that conversation sooner as it could have saved ‘us’.

August 2022
I sent a long message paraphrased to ‘I saw your Twitter, I know you are dating someone, I thought we were still good and you were not looking to date anyone’. I don’t think I said anything mean or offensive, but I do regret that message a lot. Though I needed to say something. I had found her Twitter and saw she was posting about being with someone. This was just weeks after our ‘final’ call in July, so it was hard to take that she moved on so quickly and I think that made me look back and question a lot of things in the past. Like the times she went quiet, was she dating other guys or looking for other guys? Because we were never ‘officially’ in a relationship I don’t know how she saw us or her view on dating other guys. I felt like we were together.

November 2022
We kind of reconnected and she was happy to answer some questions I had about ‘us’ and what happened, what she felt about ‘us’ during our time etc. It was a nice chat and it cleared the air a bit. It made me realise the problems between us and difficulties she had with believing in ‘us’, which was mainly the distance and not knowing how we would be in person.

December 2022
End of the year I sent her a message saying ‘If you still have some sort of feelings towards me, and wonder what it would be like to explore an ‘us’, then tell me and I’ll visit you ASAP.’ Now that I understood more about what she needed that I was prepared to take the leap and visit her.

SUMMARY 2022
A rollercoaster of a year. Lots of ups and happiness mixed with some harsh set backs and emotional torment for both of us ending with a glimmer of hope for the future. We were in a good position and I’m sure she felt that too despite the distance. She had her troubles with seeing past the distance and that ultimately ended us. I’m regretful that we were unable to have a conversation about me visiting, how the future could work and believe that things would happen. The year did end with a little hope of me visiting her.

2023

Things felt good again. Not quite as things were back in 2021/22 but were close to being at that level in my eyes. It felt like she still had feelings towards me, I had feelings towards her and I thought she genuinely wanted to explore it again by me visiting soon.

I wanted to visit ASAP in 2023, that was my plan. I didn’t want to drag it out and put her through any emotional torment. However, when trying to sort a time to visit there were some obstacles. She was working towards exams within her job at the end of February/March so was very busy with that. She was also about to move apartment in the same timeframe so realistically visiting then wouldn’t have been possible. If I visited I don’t think we would have seen each other much, and I didn’t want to add additional stress to her life.

February she started to go a bit distant again, possibly because of work/exam stress, we had a call and we discussed how she couldn’t be with someone without knowing how the in-person chemistry would be. And my position was I wanted us to be in a good position as an ‘us’ of some kind before I visited. So it was kind of a stalemate.

The reason I wanted us to be something was for a bit of security. If I travelled all the way to South America only to find out she was dating people that would have hurt and I’d feel pretty s*** about it all, so I wanted that security that being an ‘us’ of some kind would have given me. I also think we would have interacted with each other differently if we were a ‘thing’ compared to just friends. Visiting a partner and friends is different right.

I understood her position too, she couldn’t commit to someone emotionally without knowing how we would get on in person. She didn’t want to get hurt again like she did when we were a long distanced ‘thing’ in previous years.

I made a video singing 😅, alongside a personal video talking about ‘us’ in (I think) March/April. I did this to try and make her smile and squash any questions/concerns she was having. She watched the singing one but not the personal video, which was a bit odd to me. I never knew why she wouldn’t watch both. I also don’t understand how a video of me singing one of her favourite songs (in Spanish, I had to learn it), from her favourite local artists was seen as a friendly thing to do and not of something indicative of more (?!) 🙃

It was the start of May 2023 when she watched the personal one and realised what it was about, and she broke it to me that she could only offer a friendship. We talked a while after that and it all came down to the distance and needing someone in her life there, not miles away.

I kept fighting and at the end of the month she sent me a voice note saying she’s been thinking about it and maybe I could visit, and we could go on dates and see how things go, but we start as friends. I understood her position and at first I was hesitant and there was some ups and downs before we worked some stuff out and I decided I would visit her and see how things go, without expectations.

‘If things happen between us we will address it, but no expectations’ – her

I still had my fears and apprehensions of visiting with no real security, as in, I could visit and she may not want to see me when I arrive, or she may be dating someone and although we would be meeting as friends that would make things awkward. And if those things happened I would be alone in a country I know very little of, speaking a language I know very little of. That’s actually one of the reasons I thought visiting as friends was a good thing, because she could help with that stuff. I was still scared as f***.

One of my favourite calls with her was actually after I messaged saying ‘I’ll visit you as a friend’ (paraphrased). We talked for a few hours which was lovely.

We planned and in late July I visited.

Visit
It’s a huge thing to travel to meet someone on the other side of the world. Even after knowing each other for 2.5 years it was scary, and I actually think there was more pressure to get things right. It was kind of daunting.

It was truly AMAZING to finally meet her. It was a surreal experience. I honestly felt like we got on really well and connected during my visit. It didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable. We went on a few day trips and it felt like we had a lovely time. I thought we were good together, cute together in fact. I think she felt safe around me and that was my number one priority. I didn’t push anything with her, I didn’t flirt with her because I didn’t want to make things awkward or uncomfortable. Maybe that was my mistake, but I visited genuinely as a friend with an open mind of what could happen, but not with a goal or anything like that.

I did however want to make her happy which is why I booked her favourite restaurants, activities I thought she would enjoy and got her some gifts to show her I care about her a lot. I couldn’t go all of that way without bringing anything with me so I tried to be prepared. And she liked the first gift so I gave her the others and she seemed to genuinely love them all. Her reactions were heartwarming. In particular a motivational poster/photo in a frame I designed for her 🥲 the responses made me feel like I at least did something right and I loved making her smile.

Come the end of the trip I realised my feelings for her had returned so I told her on the day before I was due to leave. We had a talk the following morning and she explained how she was about to become super busy with grad school starting/work/life and still would want someone physically present in her life ‘maybe in the future’… It was hard to take.

It was leaving day and I was sad to be going and I thought she was too. I honestly thought she was sad because she wanted something to happen with me, but couldn’t because of the above points.

I guess I knew whilst I was there she wasn’t feeling anything towards me, but maybe she was waiting on me to make the first move or something. I dunno. I’m bad at this stuff, evidently 🥲 it was a complex situation that I didn’t want to screw up.

I returned home and we talked a bit about general stuff; work, life etc, I had hopes that by me visiting we would have at least become good friends and talked more often. Although we are thousands of miles apart I thought I wouldn’t just be an internet person anymore. 

Her thoughts on the trip
I sent her a video a few days after I got home talking about the trip, what I enjoyed the most, how it was so nice to finally meet her in person after 2.5 years and other stuff. She didn’t watch that video and she didn’t tell me her thoughts on the visit and things we did. Which I found odd and hard because I don’t really understand why. I didn’t ask her specifically what she thought of me visiting so maybe it’s my fault? I just would have thought if someone visited me for the first time after several years of knowing each other and we had a great time I wouldn’t shut up about it. I would bring up random anecdotes about it all the time.

And it’s because I didn’t get her thoughts that made me think, actually, maybe she didn’t enjoy me visiting and the things we did together, or she didn’t care. A lot of my feelings are based on my brain playing tricks on me, and I know we had a good time and she had become very busy with work and school, but not watching my video and not getting her thoughts hurt and confused me.

To travel all that way and to get no idea of what they thought was difficult.

What if I moved?
Regardless a few months later, thinking to myself that it was the distance which made her not want anything with me, I suggested I visit on a more permanent basis. I would find a place to live and work in South America near her for a few month whilst we do the ‘every day’ things together. She had mentioned wanting someone to do those things with. So I thought this would be a good way of testing us. However, she told me she only saw us as friends and she was trying to be nice when she said, back in July, that she needed someone closer. That hurt, because I thought in that moment on my last day we were in a good open place where she could have told me the truth and I wouldn’t have hated her. I thought on that day she was sad to see me go home because she wanted something more but knew it wasn’t possible.

We had a bit of a disagreement following that, my fault, so I sent her a hand crafted care package in November to try and make things up to her, and I guess, partly to show her the best of me. A dumb thing to do in hindsight. But it made her happy during a particularly hard time with work, so maybe it was worth it (?).

(Note to anyone sending parcels to South America: don’t unless you are willing to sell your kidney’s to pay for it 😅)

I found it hard to understand how I can make her happy but her not want anything more with me. I guess that’s a simplistic way of me looking at relationships but I’ve always believed that happiness is the greatest emotion someone can make you feel and I’m super sad she didn’t want more. I feel like I failed after everything I did over the years.

Now
We now don’t talk and that’s possibly the biggest toll on my life. I asked for distance so I can try and heal, try to move my thoughts on from her but it’s honestly so difficult. When I grow attached to someone they and only they are who I think of and it takes me a long time to dissociate from them. I miss talking to her about how things are going and telling her about what’s going on in my life. I miss the little things. I don’t know what will happen in the future. I feel like I probably ruined a future friendship because I don’t know how to move into that zone. I don’t believe I’ve said anything bad towards her, but I know her perception of me has changed and my incessant attempts to win her over have probably made her uncomfortable with talking to me because she will always be thinking ‘he still likes me’. She probably won’t want a friend after the time has past. And what can I even offer her that other friends closer can’t? *shrug*

SUMMARY 2023
The year started with hope. I had a lot of energy and determination to be with her and to fight for her. I gave everything I could. The middle of year was the highlight of the century, finally visiting her was amazing but it also came with heartache, followed with confusion. The year ended with what a lot of people would likely say inevitability. I tried all I could to reignite the happiness we once shared but I was unable to.

Random thoughts

Hindsight
It was always going to be a near impossible challenge to become an ‘us’ during my visit. She lost her feelings towards me probably a year or more before I visited, and I was trying to relight that fire somehow. I would think to myself maybe if I visited and showed her how great I am and how great we could be again then it would remind her of the past.

But it was a weird situation because we were friends and usually when getting to know someone in a romantic sense there is some affection between each person, there is flirting and things friendships don’t typically do.

I remember a year or 2 ago I asked her ‘what if I visit and we don’t get on?’ and she replied: ‘I don’t think that would happen with us honestly’. She believed we could become something 🥲

Old messages
I made the mistake of looking over some very old messages recently. I say mistake, but actually it made me remember that we were great back then and it wasn’t me just thinking we were great and it all being one sided we were both interested in each other and would share our days. It’s easy to look back and not really remember how we were, it’s difficult to relive something so far in the past, but looking at the messages we shared made me feel like I was back in that time. It also has given me reassurance in my justification to keep fighting way back then.

On and off
Throughout the 3 years there was definitely a hot and cold relationship between us. At times she would go very quiet for extended periods, often without explanation. I would always try to be understanding and put it down to her struggling with her thoughts and life but it was hard. I knew she was fighting for us too, I don’t doubt that, but at times it made me think maybe she was looking for someone better and I was just there to pick her up when she was feeling sad.

We would plan e-dates that she would miss. She could have sent me a 5 second text to say something has come up. Maybe it’s a long distance dating thing where it’s easier to just not show up compared to an in-person date? (Like it’s not a real thing because it’s online) And maybe she thought on a subconscious level that because I was understanding when it happened before she could do it again and I’ll think the same?

I don’t know, I’m probably just talking nonsense and oversimplifying things. I really did try to be as supportive and understanding as I could.

I built up a life in my head
I looked too far into the future and imagined how things could be. I’m now grieving the life I thought I was going to live, which is crazy because we never became a real ‘us’. But still I had pictured a future life in my head and now I’ve lost that. I bought into the idea of moving and imagined all the little daily life things; waking up early to make breakfast, going to local shops, going for walks around the town etc. And I essentially put my life on hold by not buying a house here incase I would move abroad. It’s my fault.

Tried to build her up
I know what it’s like to feel down. I always did what I could to try and make her feel good about herself and life. I’ve lost friends to depression and I know how it can affect people which is why I did everything I could to try and make her feel special and wanted, make her understand and see herself as I saw her; such an amazing person who deserves the best in life. I hope I helped her realise that.

Regret
The more I remember back to 2021/22 the more I remember how well we got on and made each other happy. We were so good when we talked, it pains me that we didn’t meet sooner when we she had feelings for me. She didn’t see an end to the distance and I wish she didn’t keep that to herself. She didn’t know I would have moved to her country. Things would have been A LOT different if we had met in person 12/14 months earlier, when we were both in that mind frame of being and wanting something more with each other.

We both liked each other, we are both mature and intelligent (her more so) so why did it fail? Why did we allow it to? How could we be good and things end?

I don’t know if she remembers what we were like back then but that’s what I was hoping we’d return to.

It’s silly because I thought the distance was good at first because it gave her the space to get ‘better’ without the pressure of having to commit to in-person events and dates.

Do I blame her?
I don’t want this to come across as bad, as I don’t blame her. When we were in a good spot back in 2021/2022 she was going through a hard time and struggling a lot and I understand that and I tried my best to support her. However, I wouldn’t be being honest if I said I don’t feel some animosity towards her because of the times when she would go quiet and not communicate what she was thinking. And that in the end and in my eyes I think killed ‘us’. If we communicated more without breaks of silences I know I would have visited much sooner and we would have had a better chance of becoming something great.

I know the patches of silence wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me. I knew it was hard on her but it often felt like she was pushing me away.

Why things didn’t work out?
She couldn’t see past the distance and in her head was grieving us before anything could happen. She couldn’t allow herself to have a conversation with me about ‘us’ because she didn’t want to get hurt by wanting an ‘us’ and then things ending because we’d never meet.

I tried to combat the distance by designing her cute things, sending silly voice notes and videos, so although I wasn’t there, at least I had some kind of presence. I’d even set my alarm in the night to wake up so we could call when she was free, her evening. (My friend called me crazy for that but I didn’t care 😅)

I know I didn’t deserve the silences, but I also know if things had happened differently we may have been in a better position and if I visited sooner we may have become something great.

Thoughts on her
It would be an injustice if I didn’t talk about the things I loved about her and our time together. There were A LOT. She’s the most incredible person I have ever met. She’s kind, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, incredibly beautiful and so much more. I don’t know what she saw in me way back then but I’m so grateful I got the chance to get to know such a wonderful, glowing person.

I fell for her smile. It shines brighter than any I have seen. It’s infectious and when it’s shining all the troubles in the world go away.

I loved her inquisitive side, always wanting to learn and broaden her knowledge. It was refreshing to hear her talk about things that interested her. I could listen for hours and she’d never bore me.

There’s something I don’t think I ever told her. Sometimes when thinking she would move her lips/mouth to either side and I found that super cute.

We had a lot of good times over the years. I loved Face Timing and calling her, I loved our movie e-dates watching Disney and Marvel, I loved seeing her grow mentally and emotionally over the years, I loved watching her graduate, I loved seeing her reactions to the silly things I got her. I loved visiting her and realising she was even more amazing in person. The fancy restaurants, the day trips, the museums… every second of every minute I spent with her was truly cherished and will forever be remembered.

There were so many highlights of those years which outshine the darker moments.

I doubt she will read this but if she ever does I hope she knows just how wonderful she truly is, how happy she once made me, and how bright her future will be. She’s amazing and deserves the best possible life.

Conclusion

Yes there were times when she went quiet and I felt sad and down and yes I often questioned whether I was doing the right thing and whether she was into me or not. But I’m glad I stayed. I know she had good intentions and I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent.

I had so much energy and drive to fight for us. I wanted to give her everything. I wanted to be her rock she could depend on. The person to cheer her up when she was feeling down, and hold her hand through the tough times.

I wish with all my being that we could have found a way to talk more and to arrange my visit sooner. If we met sooner when things were more ‘fresh’ I believe things could have been great and I’m so incredibly sad and angry at myself for not taking the leap sooner. I wish she understood at the time that I was willing to move to her and see how we got on in person. I wish she could have kept the dream alive.

I don’t hold any anger toward them, I don’t hold a grudge or anything, that’s important to know. I want the best for her. She will have no problem finding someone else, there’s no doubt in my mind of that, she’s young and full of life. She could be with anyone she wanted.

For 3 years there was only ever one person on my mind. I’m not sure if I ever told her that or if she knew just how much I adored her. She was my favourite person. I don’t think I will be able to feel the emotions I felt for her with anyone else. And it somehow feels worse that we never became something compared to becoming something and breaking up. We will always be an almost something amazing.

If I could leave her one thing it’s the confidence in knowing that she is a diamond of a person who deserves to be happy and enriched with life. I don’t honestly know if I had a positive affect on her but I hope I was at least able to make her believe in herself.

I’ll always miss you LGM. 🥲

(Was this all a bad idea?)

Something I haven’t talked about apart from to close friends is that early in 2023 my Dad had a health scare. It was a pretty daunting and scary thing to learn about and go through with him. Trips to the hospital for scans and tests were difficult… I can’t imagine how he must have felt going through the whole process. The waiting for results would have been excruciating. Not knowing what to prepare for, not knowing what to do or how to feel. Thankfully, we were very fortunate that he got the all clear pretty quickly and for that we are incredibly grateful.

My family has had it’s fair share of cancer pain. My Grandmother passed to it, my Grandad is fighting it, my Mum’s friend has it, so it’s very real and raw which really brought how scary it is home.

Kind of funny story: During the time I had helped my Dad with his phone and some photos he had to send on to the doctor (he’s not very tech savvy) which I never thought I’d need to do… It did create a rather awkward moment when a friend accidentally saw the photos (which I thought I got rid of!) on my phone… xD… Looking back, knowing that his health is okay I can laugh at this moment instead of feel awkward, I think.

Going through this scare with him and the family gave me a new perspective on life. Since then I tried to make the most of every day. It makes you realise time is short and we must grab life with both hands and hold close the people you care about the most… as cliché as that all sounds.

2023 has been a year I’m finding hard to put into words. There was a lot of things which happened and a lot of emotions which were felt.

From a work’s point of view it has been amazing with lots of fun and interesting design projects that I’ve had the opportunity to work on for some wonderful clients. In years gone by work has sometimes felt like it could stop at any time, and I would always be slightly worried when I haven’t had any new work come in for a few days. The panic alarm in my head starts to go off. However 2023 has seen a constant stream of work for me and I’ve loved working on it all.

My Nephew turned one this year! So although he was born in late 2022 I’m counting that as a 2023 thing. It’s been heartwarming to see him grow throughout the weeks. I’m kind of shocked at how much he has grown, I’m pretty sure he must be on steroids xD. He’s very much engaged with the world around him, so inquisitive and very cute. I look forward to 2024 to see him grow up further and probably start University at this rate!

The next thing I will talk about seems to be the topic of most of my posts here. Late 2022, just days after Christmas I sent the long distance girl I met online a sort of proposal; ‘If you still have some feelings towards me and wonders what could happen if we meet, I will visit you in the New Year’. If I’m completely honest, I wasn’t expecting any reply and certainly not one like ‘Woah. Yeah I’d like that’… so you can imagine I was rather happy. (It’s sad now celebrating the new year when last year there was something to look forward to, this time there isn’t so much.)

We talked a lot in early January, catching up again properly after some absence and it almost felt like when we first met in 2021, it felt like something could actually happen and we both wanted it to… fast forward a month or two and things went quiet again and I learned she couldn’t handle the distance and not knowing how we would be like together in person (I think it was tricky to nail down a date to visit because she had work exams and other stuff on). I’ll probably write a whole post about all of this so I’m trying to keep it short here… around May/June, she suggested I visit as a friend, at first I wasn’t sure but it made sense to do it that way and I was 100% onboard, with no expectations… Anyways, we met for the first time in July and I LOVED it, the whole experience of meeting someone for the first time in person after speaking with them for 2.5 years is strange but so worth it. We went on a few adventures and ate a lot of tasty food. She was more amazing than I thought. Come the end of the trip I realised my feelings had returned for her but they were not felt both ways (there’s more to it but I’ll talk about that another time).

I returned home thinking about the highs of the trip, but more recently realising the lows that after all of this time we have not become something more. And I’m not sure if we will be friends either which is super sad, and I probably keep digging myself a deeper hole :’). I don’t blame her, or have any anger towards her in the slightest. But it is one of my lowest lows, it kind of makes me feel empty inside and like I failed in life. 2023 really was the year of taking the plunge and travelling to meet her, and I’m very glad I did it, don’t get me wrong. I’m just sad about how things transpired, during the trip, and after I got home.

I’ll tell you about someone who has been a rock, Theo! He’s the most amazing and somewhat annoying dog you could ask for. He also has better dress sense than me (yup he wears t-shirts and jumpers). He’s had bouts of illness and also pains in his legs and back but he’s a trooper and keeps fighting on. He’s around 80 years old in dog years! I’m forever grateful for him.

Family and friends are always a constant and that was no different in 2023. Adventures, fun times and lots of laughs – too much to write here. My Grandad is approaching 90 years old and we hope to celebrate that in April, he’s had a lot of health issues but always comes out stronger it seems 🙂

I’m not sure what 2024 holds for me, honestly. I can’t see much at this moment in time but I want to really try and be positive, I’ve always been a positive person so hopefully that will return. My life has kind of been on hold these past few years so it’s difficult to work out how to get it started again. But I will try 🙂

I want to exercise and eat more healthy, that’s one goal I can work towards. And finally buy a house!

Here’s to a wonderful 2024.

It’s not a secret that I look at least half my age. Everyone who knows me has mentioned it in one way or another whether it’s a ‘Woah you don’t look that old’ or some kind of joke it never goes unnoticed. And whilst I’ve kind of come to terms with it I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t affect me. It can be a struggle to do everyday things at times because of it. Work meetings, buying age restricted items, meeting new people… And maybe if my experiences in life had been different I may have another take on it all but the older I get the more difficult it becomes. Will I look like this when I’m in my 70’s?

Dating is kind of impossible, particularly using Apps where the first impression is your photo, seeing someone who looks A LOT younger than you is definitely a turn off and not one you’d swipe yes to. Also meeting people in bars/clubs, which to be honest has never been my thing to do, has likely always been hampered because of it. Anyone who says it shouldn’t affect that is simply wrong, I have first hand experience and it really sticks with you and there’s nothing I can do. Not everyone is like that but it’s just how things go, and I don’t blame them. I guess it affects my confidence in doing things.

The upsides? It can be funny though as I sometimes get ID’ed when buying alcohol and if I’m with my friends they all get ID’ed too because they are with me xD. That generally leads to some age-related jokes back at me though, but I accept it as banter. On the topic of ID’s, I wonder at what age I will be when they see my ID and think ‘this clearly CANNOT be you’. I was in a pub once when the bartender was convinced the ID was not me because I ‘looked too young’… yes, that’s why I carry ID?! lol… the struggles are real.

I shouldn’t let it get me down and I know there are people in the world who don’t care about that stuff, but the reality is it does affect me and it’s hard to not think about it. It’s always in the back of my head when certain things happen or don’t go my way – ‘is it because I look so young?’.

Anyways I’m not sure what the point was for this post? I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about it before, so there’s that.

Celebrating Christmas this year was different, it was a struggle to get into it because of how I’ve been feeling lately. We picked up my Grandad and he stayed with us for a few days. For me that’s when Christmas felt a little more Christmassy and he was really happy to see us. It’s never about the presents, without being around family, Christmas just isn’t the same so it’s nice he could share it with us.

I always feel kind of awkward opening gifts and I never know how to react. I’m definitely more of a giver when it comes to presents and I love making people smile when they realise what it is inside.

A typical Christmas for our family is waking up pretty early, going downstairs to unwrap presents which we lay out on the chairs and sofas in the living room. Each person gets their own place for their little pile of presents (even our dog Theo who tends to have the biggest pile) and it’s always a very fun moment of the day. This year was a bit different with my Brother, Sister-in-law and Nephew celebrating Christmas at Center Parcs and my other Brother and Niece arriving later in the day. Nonetheless it was nice. Then it’s on to cooking the Christmas dinner which is generally where my Mum takes the reigns but we all pitch in to help (expert chef over here). Dinner is always lovely, we raise a glass of Bucks Fizz to toast family who we have lost over the years (particularly my Nan who we use that particular drink for) and then tuck into the food and many desserts that follow 😊

On Boxing day we met my Brother, Sister in law and Nephew in Center Parcs which had a Winter Wonderland theme throughout the forest that was amazing and so so pretty! Spending time away from home is something we never do on Boxing Day. I’m so glad we did because it was different and really cheered me up. There were lots of colourful fairy lights wrapping around trees and along walkways, singing reindeers and cosy snow covered cabins. It was very picturesque in the evening.

I got my Nephew a super cute chair for Christmas, he hasn’t opened it yet because it’s quite a large gift to transport but I’m hoping he will like it… it’s probably not the best thing to get a one year old but time will tell. 🥲 I’ll need to report back here once he’s opened it!

(I’ve realised this was pretty poorly written 😅)

I cannot believe it’s been a whole year since my Nephew was born. He’s grown up so quickly and already looks older than me! He’s grabbing, babbling, crawling, almost walking and about to start talking, it’s crazy! So crazy that I needed to call the emergency services (in the form of a fire truck) to check him out… really bad joke but an excuse to show the photo nonetheless:

He loved it! It turns into a fire station, plays lots of sounds and to be honest, I’m kind of jealous I can’t keep it. Would I be a bad uncle if I took it back??

I’ve been thinking about whether a friendship would happen in the future and it’s really difficult to see. I don’t like the idea of nothing happening but I’m also struggling to see how things will in this moment. Hopefully I will heal and I would be open to it, I’m not someone who holds grudges or anger. But I know I take a long time to heal so the distance will only grow further in the meantime, and friendship may not even be an option.

When I’m interested in someone I invest everything I have into them. My emotions and my time are basically theirs. I’m never half in/half out and I’m never thinking of someone else, I’m physically and emotionally available to them always. Of course I take time to myself and my friends and family, but I never neglect to think about that person and how they are feeling and what they need. And that’s the reason why I take such a long time to move on. And it’s why I take a long time to quash the difficult thoughts in my head such as;

‘What if I did that differently?’
‘What if I said something else in that moment?’
‘What happened, what did I do?’
‘We were good at one point, right?’
‘Am I a bad person?’

For all of those years they were my number 1 person and cutting those thoughts out, those feelings and memories out immediately is just not something I can do as quickly as other people may be able to.

So in order to be friends I would need to move on, heal and get to a stage where I won’t become envious and jealous when they inevitably find someone better than me. In time I will be happy for them, really.

And then there is the big question of why would they want me as a friend? It’s not just what I may want in the future, but why would they want me? Especially after an unknown amount of time. What can I offer them as a friend when they have so many great friends already. Would they have forgotten about me? Would we meet again? Being so far away will only amplify the emotional distance and having sporadic broken text conversations might just remind me about the past. This is just me thinking out loud so I probably don’t make any sense… 🙃

I think I’d like to be fought for too. I’ve had friendships in the past which have simmered down for one reason or another. Friendships naturally drift apart which I understand. I’m typically the person who organises things and tries to hold the friendship group together. It would be nice if things were different and they fought for me, but I can’t ask that… Maybe I’ll leave it for fate to decide.

For me Christmas has always been a joyful time of the year. No matter what is going on in the world, Christmas brings family and friends together to share a magical time of laughter and bonding. Forgetting about work troubles, stress, hardships and focus on being with each other to enjoy and appreciate the small things in life.

This year it’s been hard and I’m struggling to get into the Christmas spirit. I don’t feel very Chrismassy at the moment. That may change when the 25th hits and the whole family are here but right now it feels weird. I feel sad because of recent events and I don’t know how to shake that feeling.

There is a heightened pressure of the festivities to be happy and excited, but that only enhances the feelings of loneliness and sadness. It should be the happiest time of the year but in this moment it feels like the opposite. I’m sure things will improve once Christmas has past and there will be better things to come, but right now those are hard to see. 🙃

#glum

I‘m in a quandary. I started learning Spanish through Duolingo a few months after meeting someone back in 2021. I did it to show her just how interested I was and how committed I was to sticking around. Thinking maybe in the future I’d meet her friends and family and hopefully by then I would have a little Spanish knowledge. I use to (try to) send cute voice notes in Spanish. 950 consecutive days later I’m still learning, still using the app each day, even after the ups and downs but now I don’t know if I should keep going or pack it in.

On one hand I don’t want to stop the streak, it’s an achievement in itself to say I’ve been committed to something for close to 1000 days. I’m proud of that. If I stop now I can’t go back and pick up where I finished, I’d be starting from day 1 again and I don’t like the thought of giving up on anything. I’m not a quitter.

However, on the other hand it’s a constant reminder of how things didn’t work out, how we didn’t become something more after all of this time. But it’s also a daily memory of the good times because I think she use to like hearing my amazing Spanish voice notes… Si! 🇪🇸

So I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll move to Spain and share my Spanish fluency there…

I met someone 3 years ago which honestly feels like only yesterday. I still remember the first conversations and things we did together. I remember their interests, favourite films, books and even colour (the typical dating app conversations xD). But we never would have met were it not for two things, two things which were in place at just the right time.

Those two things were the COVID pandemic and a VPN…

Obviously COVID was a catastrophic world event which no one would ever have wanted to happen, it was horrific and it’s still around today. It did however push everyone indoors and online. In my case it pushed me into using a dating app and that is where I met the most amazing person. The second thing which happened at the right time was the person I met was using a VPN to appear in the UK and was instead living in South America. I guess I was on the app at just the right time. 🙂

So in a weird way, thank you COVID and VPN, if those two things didn’t happen/were used I never would have met a wonderful person and experienced everything I did over the past 3 years. It’s funny how the world aligns in such a way. Looking back it kind of felt like fate… I do however wonder whether the distance and overall experience of meeting me caused them more sadness overall, and that’s an unhappy thought. I wonder if they regret using a VPN that day. 🤔